• Ask for the Senior citizen or children’s menu even though you don’t look a day over or under 35.
• Make a big fuss when the water boy fills your glass, saying, "I only drink 90 proof prune juice!"
• Ask for a "to go" box before your meal is served. In fact, ask for three.
• Demand to see the health inspector’s most recent report in the restaurant.
• Unless the waitress lowers the check amount, bring in your own doggie or barf bags and threaten to use it at the end of your meal.
• Start whistling birdcalls in the middle of the meal.
• Slurp your soup or if you feel like it, spill it all over the table next to you.
• Make sure you sneeze in your food, then demand that they take it back to the kitchen because it isn’t just right.
• Without letting the parents know first, start talking to the children at the table behind you.
• Always give a credit card that’s expired to the hostess. In fact, just for laughs, give her your old Diner’s Club card from 1963.
• Demand to see the cook, loudly, and then complain about the meal that you had there last year.
• Ask the waitress why aren’t there crackers and milk on the menu like there were last time you were in there.
• Laugh loudly and start snorting.
• Ask for reservations for fifteen when you sign in, and then just the two of you sit in at that table.
• When the hostess asks for your name to announce, say you are "Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers".
• Try to pay for your meal in shekels.
• On a busy Friday night with your guests, suddenly whip out a pack of cards and start a poker night at your table.
• Don’t dress like the other people in the restaurant. In fact, don’t dress at all.
• Find the jukebox and spend forty quarters to play "Louie, Louie" for two hours straight.
• When through eating, just pass out on the table on your leftover mashed potatoes.

Needing to get to the other side, the first woman prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! ...God gave her big arms and strong legs and she was able to swim Across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second woman prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof! ... God gave her a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and she was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two women, the third woman prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'

Poof! ... She was turned into a man. he checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your husband told you to!'

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down,

and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th.

Also December 1st and 23rd. It's very likely to happen again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal Mart has wallets on sale 2.99 each if you need one or two.