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The IRS sent their auditor to
a synagogue.
The auditor was doing
all the checks and then turned to the Rabbi and says, "I
noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with
the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi.
"We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send
them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they
send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat
disappointed that his unusual question actually had a
practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious
way.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo
purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly,
"We actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and
when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the
manufacturer and every now and then, they send us a free box
of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking
hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do
you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste,"
answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the
foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to
the IRS."
"IRS?" questioned the auditor in
disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "IRS
... and about once a year, they send us someone like you.
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An elderly woman had just
returned to her home from an evening of Church services ...
...
when she was startled by an intruder. She
caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables
and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the
name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be
forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his
tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to
take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand
there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She
said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first
one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch"
They flew down to the ground and
found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of
worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly
back up into the tree," said the first one." Let's just lay
back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O K," said the first. So they
plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had
fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after
his meal, he thought. ... "I Just Love Baskin Robins."
Submitted by Dave, Bolder Co.
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A woman
went to a computer dating service and
said she didn't care about looks ...
... income
or background. All she wanted was
a man of upright character.
Then a man came in and told them the
only thing he was seeking in a woman was
intelligence.
The service matched them together at
once because they had one thing in
common - they were both pathological
liars.
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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Actual letter sent to a bank.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for
bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber
last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival of
the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary... an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only 8
years.
You are to be commended for seizing
that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to
your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my
errant financial ways. I noticed whereas I personally attend
to your telephone calls and letters, that when I try to
contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From
now on I, like you, choose to deal only with a
flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will,
therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or
her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee
with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with
me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it after the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone banking
service.
As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field
even further. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy
wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Press buttons as follows:
- To make an appointment to see me.
- To query a missing payment.
- To transfer the call to my living
room in case I am there.
- To transfer the call to my bedroom
in case I am sleeping.
- To transfer the call to my toilet
in case I am attending to nature.
- To transfer the call to my mobile
phone if I am not at home.
- To leave a message on my computer,
a password to access my computer is required. Password will
be communicated at a later date.
- To return to the main menu and to
listen to options 1 through 7.
- To make a general complaint or
inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold,
pending the attention of my automated answering service.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement. May I, however, wish you a happy, if
ever-so-slightly less, prosperous day.
Your humble client, Judy
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa. |
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Photo taken from the roof at Doncaster shopping centre - Black Saturday The terrible bush fires that have devastated Australia are now almost all out, but the toll has been terrible. 210 dead, losses approaching 1 billion, whole towns
wiped out. The photo below was sent to me by a friend, and it's taken from the top of a large shopping centre about 15kn from the centre of Melbourne. Looking north, It shows the flames that burnt for four days, and that came within 50 km of the center. A stark contrast of well-lit houses and well-burning bushland.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia |
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March 9th Humor Page
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