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| A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been
waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion, and my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were
on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked..
"Czechoslovakia."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers.
After several performances, I discovered the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested him.
Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me.
"I had him arrested," I replied.
My friend paused for a second and asked, "Wow...How badly did he play?"
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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What Women Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
- Handsome
- Charming
- Financially Successful
- A Caring Listener
- Witty
- In Good Shape
- Dresses with Style
- Appreciates the Finer Things
- Full of Thoughtful Surprises
- An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)
- Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
- Opens car doors, holds chairs
- Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
- Listens more than he talks
- Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
- Can carry in all the groceries with ease
- Owns at least one tie
- Appreciates a good home cooked meal
- Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
- Seeks romance at least once a week
What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
- Not too ugly - bald head OK
- Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
- Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
- Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
- Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
- Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
- Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
- Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
- Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
- Shaves on most weekends
What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)
- Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
- Doesn't belch or scratch in public
- Doesn't borrow money too often
- Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
- Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
- Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
- Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
- Appreciates a good TV Dinner
- Remembers your name on occasion
- Shaves on some weekends
What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
- Doesn't scare small children
- Remembers where bathroom is
- Doesn't require much money for upkeep
- Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
- Doesn't forget why he's laughing
- Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
- Usually wears some clothes
- Likes soft foods
- Remembers where he left his teeth
- Remembers when...
What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)
- Breathing
Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
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A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son...
.... will be the first in their family to go to college. So he and the wife save every penny for years and when the big day comes for junior to leave for school, the old man is the proudest he's ever been.
After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas break and the old man sits him down for a talk. "Well, boy, you been at school for three months now, I want you to tell me some of that fancy book learnin'."
So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last week we learned a new formula...Pi r squared."
At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his forehead, "Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why everybody know pie are round...CORNBREAD are squared!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Never underestimate the power of a great story - Download Video Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!
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Oct 14th Humor Page
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