Humor Selections for November 16th, 2013
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One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow.

The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I gotta know -- am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing!"
 

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What Men Really Mean

  • "It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
  • "Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
  • "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
  • "It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
  • "We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
  • "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
  • "That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"
  • "It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
  • "That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
  • "You know how bad my memory is." "Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
  • "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
  • "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
  • "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
  • "I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
  • "What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
  • "I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
  • "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
  • "You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
  • "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
  • "We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

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Officer Patrick McGuire of the New York City Police Department ...

...answers a call on his radio and reports to the scene of a car accident in the Queens-Midtown Tunnel. Officer McGuire notes that a new Buick had its front end merged with the rear end of a Chrysler.

The driver of the Buick was Father Francis O'Boyle; the driver of the Chrysler was Rabbi Isaac Goldstein.

After Officer McGuire verifies that Rabbi Goldstein has suffered no physical injuries in the accident, he walks back to survey the damages to each vehicle.

Then, Officer McGuire walks over to Father O'Boyle and asks him: "Tell me, Father, just how fast was that Rabbi going when he backed into you?"
 

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Late Night humor
  • On Monday, President Obama paid tribute to America's oldest living veteran, 107-year-old Richard Overton. Overton credits his longevity to drinking whiskey and smoking 12 cigars every day. Now there's a health plan we can all get behind. - Jay Leno
  • You know that smiling woman who was featured on the home page of Healthcare.gov? She asked for her picture to be removed after she was cyber-bullied. She's hiding where nobody can see her — at Healthcare.gov. - Conan O'Brien
  • Pope Francis has been named the most discussed person on the Internet. The second most discussed person on the Internet is his daughter Miley Francis. -David Letterman
  • Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted last week to having smoked crack while in office. Since then he has said multiple times that he will not step down. Legally they can't force him to. The city council held a meeting to vote on whether or not to ask him to resign. That seems very Canadian to me. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • According to The Washington Post, the White House is considering appointing a civilian to lead the NSA. If you're interested in the job, no need to submit a résumé, they have all your information already. They will call you. - Jay Leno
  • During the European MTV Music Awards, Miley Cyrus went on stage and twerked with a dwarf. It's a pretty sad day when you have to ask a dwarf how he could stoop so low. -
  • Conan O'Brien
  • Do you know who's going to the Vatican for a meeting with Pope Francis? Evil dictator Vladimir Putin. The Pope better be careful because I bet you anything Putin is going to try and steal his ring. - David Letterman
  • A team of scientists from Cornell made news recently for creating a robot that can hold a knife. Or as robots will tell their grandkids, "That is when the revolution began." - Jimmy Fallon
  • According to CNN, they're now developing a new spy plane that can travel six times the speed of sound and can launch missiles. They said it could really help us with our spying. In fact, this plane is so good President Obama is already denying knowing anything about it. - Jay Leno
  • Happy birthday to the Lamborghini automobile company. Lamborghini is now 50 years old. You can tell Lamborghini is 50 because it bought itself a Porsche. - Conan O'Brien
  • They had prostate exams on the "Today" show this morning. I can't argue with the importance of having your prostate checked. The idea of doing it during breakfast, I don't know. The last thing you want to hear during breakfast is the snapping of rubber gloves. The "Today" show did the prostate exams live. This really is the golden age of TV. - David Letterman
  • Russian President Vladimir Putin will travel to the Vatican this month to hold talks with Pope Francis. The Pope even offered to hear Putin’s confession — or as Putin calls it, "bragging." - Jimmy Fallon
  • I was thinking about Thanksgiving and I realized who we should put in charge of the Obamacare website — the Butterball hotline people. Have you ever called them? They always pick up. They're friendly. They have all of the information you need. And they're used to dealing with big turkeys. - Jay Leno
  • Today Matt Lauer and Al Roker had prostate exams live on the "Today" show. So the "Today" show has finally cracked the code on what people want to see first thing in the morning. - Conan O'Brien
  • Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford's approval ratings have skyrocketing since he announced that he's smoking crack cocaine. Is EVERYBODY up there on crack? Is that the deal? - David Letterman
  • Blockbuster announced that it will close all of its remaining stores in the U.S. by sometime early next year. Blockbuster’s going out of business. So it looks like I'm now the proud owner of a VHS copy of "True Lies." - Jimmy Fallon
  • New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was re-elected by a huge margin. He gave a great speech last night. He said he learned a lot in the last four years — for example, that lap-band surgery doesn't always work. Chris Christie won by such a wide margin that pundits say this will give him the impetus he needs to run for president. And he's got a new slogan: "Put the oval in the Oval Office." - Jay Leno
  • The new mayor of New York City is a progressive Democrat with an African-American wife who used to be a lesbian. Or as Fox News reported, the apocalypse is upon us. The new mayor is married to a woman who used to be a lesbian. His campaign slogan: "If I turned her around, imagine what I can do for New York City!" - Conan O'Brien
  • Have you been following the story about the Miami Dolphins player Richie Incognito? Here's a guy who's played for other teams, and been thrown off other teams. He was bullying another member of the Dolphins. Don't you hate it when 350-pound guy is bullying a 320-pound guy? - David Letterman
  • The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, has admitted that he smoked crack a year ago when he was in a quote, "drunken stupor." Geez, if that guy smokes crack when he's drunk, I'd hate to see what happens when he smokes crack. - Jimmy Fallon

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Euphemisms For Being Stupid,
  • If he had a brain, he'd be dangerous.
  • If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
  • If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted.
  • Isn't firing on all 6 cylinders.
  • Isn't firing on all thrusters.
  • Kangaroo loose in the top paddock.
  • Like a pair of children s scissors, bright and colorful, but not too sharp.
  • Million dollar body and a 2 dollar engine.
  • Was left on the tilt-a-whirl too long as a baby.
  • You're the flower of my life (you blooming idiot).
  • You can't call him an idiot, you'll insult all the idiots in the world.
  • Mind is in neutral, body is in gear.
  • Mind like a rubber bear trap.
  • Needing a few screws tightened.
  • Not firing with all spark plugs.
  • Not the brightest light in the harbor.
  • Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.
  • Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box.
  • Not the sharpest pencil in the box.
  • Two hub caps short of a Buick.
  • Warning--Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
  • Off his rocker.
  • On/off switch is stuck in the off position.
  • One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
  • One taco short of a combination plate.
  • One teat short of an udder.
  • One turbine short of an airplane.
  • One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
  • Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  • Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window.
  • Too many yards between the goal posts.
  • Requires directions to lay sod.
  • Room temperature IQ.
  • Running about a quart low.
  • Running on empty.
  • Sharp as a bowling ball.
  • She is so dumb, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses.
  • She's not tied too tight to the pier.
  • Strong like bear, smart like tractor.
  • Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
  • The elevator is stuck between floors.
  • Doesn’t have both oars in the water.
  • Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
  • Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
  • Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
  • Dumb as a corn cob.
  • Dumb as a stump.
  • Dumber than a bag of rocks.
  • Elevator doesn't quite make the top floor.
  • Fell out of the family tree.
  • Forgot to pay his brain bill.
  • Goes surfing in Nebraska.
  • Golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons.
  • Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
  • Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
  • Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
  • He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
  • He is so dumb, the only thing he ever read was an eye-chart.
  • He played too much without a helmet.
  • He s got a mind like a steel trap, rusted shut.
  • He's got a leak in his think-tank.
  • He's got a mind like a steel sieve.
  • He's got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground.
  • He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  • He's so dense light bends around him.
  • His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
  • His cheese has slipped off his cracker.
  • His porch light ain't on.
  • If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough to fill an M&M.
  • If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.
  • If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his hat off.
  • If brains were gasoline, he couldn't ride a moped around a fruit loop.
  • If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.

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Reasons To Allow Drinking At Work
  • It's an incentive to show up.
  • It reduces stress
  • It leads to more honest communications.
  • It reduces complaints about low pay.
  • It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
  • Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  • It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  • It encourages carpooling.
  • Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
  • It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  • It makes fellow employees look better.
  • It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
  • Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.
  • Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

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The Carlsberg Penguin - Download Video

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD
 

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November 9th Humor Page