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| I haven't thought about fender skirts in years ...
...When I was a kid, I considered it such a funny term. Made me think of a car in a dress. Thinking about
fender skirts started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find
some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency
brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it
was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for granted. This floors
me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered their hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall
carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a
little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk a! bout sto rk visits and "being in a family way" or simply expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and a young girl cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now. "Unmentionables"
probably wouldn't be understood at all.
And no one is called a "divorcee" anymore Certainly not a "gay divorcee." Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and "career girls" are long gone, too.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure - '60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for
this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like DynaFlow" and "ElectraLuxe." Introducing the 1963
Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear
mothers threatening their kids with castor oil any more.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most - "supper." Now everybody says "dinner". Save a great word.
Invite someone to "supper Discuss fender skirts.
Someone forwarded this to me, and I thought some of us of a "certain age" would remember most of these.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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| Who says cops don't have a sense of humor?
The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
- "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
- "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
- "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
- "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
- "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
- "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
- "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
- "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
- "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
- "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
- "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
- "Just how big were those two beers?"
- "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
- "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
- "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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For all you (and other geniuses) who have
difficulty converting units:
- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
- 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
- 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
- Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
- Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
- Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
- 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
- Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
- 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
- Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
- Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
- 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
- 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
- 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
- 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
- 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
- 52 cards = 1 decacards
- 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
- 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
- 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
- 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
- 10 rations = 1 decoration
- 100 rations = 1 C-ration
- 2 monograms = 1 diagram
- 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
- 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
Submitted by Ceil, Damascus, MD.
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A few rather creative plays plays on words ...
- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
- When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.
- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
- Definition of a will: A dead give away.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
- Every calendar's days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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More random thoughts from someone with too much
time on their hands ...
- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Taxes?
- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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Random thoughts of an unknown retired person:
- I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage
door opener
- You know I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
- I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are too tired to bounce it.
- I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it Pumping Rust."
- I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease...that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
- I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
- Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should write, "A GOOD DOCTOR!"
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their
pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me... they were cramming for their
finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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News Headlines for the Year 2029...
- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country of the world, California.
- Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
- Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.
- Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
- Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).
- France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President
Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
- George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
- 85 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
- Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
- Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
- New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
- Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a Voting Machine.
Read news headlines for 2035
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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Real questions asked of Librarians ...
- "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
- "I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")
- "Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!
- "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"
- "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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Thanks to you sending me chain letters
in 2003, this is what happened to me:
- I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.
- I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
- I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
- I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and try to rob me.
- I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore
and Tokyo.
- I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they contain may turn me gay.
- I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so
that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
- I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
- I think I'm turning gay because when I go to parties, I don't look at any girl/guy no matter how hot she/he is, for fear that she/he will take my kidneys
and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
- I also donated all my savings to the "Amy Bruce" account. Remember? She was a sick girl who was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times? Amazing
girl! She's been 7 since 1993!
- I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special
e-mail program.
- My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.
But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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Random one-liners
- What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
- What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.
- Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
- What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
- What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it's mine?"
- Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."
- Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class
uses it.
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.
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Best interesting t-shirts
observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach in the summer of 2003.
- I childproofed my house, but they still get in.
- On the front- 60 is not old. On the back- If you're a tree.
- I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes.
- At my age, "getting lucky" means finding my car in the parking lot.
- My reality check just bounced.
- Life is short, make fun of it.
- I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.
- Annapolis--A drinking town with a sailing problem.
- I need somebody bad. Are you bad?
- Physically pffffffft!
- Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.
- I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.
- It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.
- Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
- Keep staring....I may do a trick.
- We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.
- Dangerously under-medicated.
- My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone.
- Every time I hear the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with0 chocolate.
- Cats regard people as warm-blooded furnitute.
- Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell lies at your funeral.
- In God we trust. All others we polygraph.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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This years first entry into the rambling thoughts category
...
- Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
- Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
- Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
- Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
- On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in
that slot?
- Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
give their vacuum one more chance?
- Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
- How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
- Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
- When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It
isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?
- Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step?
- Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
- Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
- In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
- Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?
- Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are
deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?
- How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
- If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa. |
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I was thinking the other day ...
- How the status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
- You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
- I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
- I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease ... that's when your chest is falling into your drawers.
- You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "Nope. It's for company. Help yourself.
Make yourself comfy. Take your time."
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
- Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write A Good Doctor... or 911!
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are you supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me: they were cramming for their finals.
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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