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You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee
When:
- You answer the door before people
knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after
you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your
mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar
eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local
coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you
sneeze.
- You chew on other people's
fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is
the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with
your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without
cables.
- All your kids are named "Joe".
- You don't need a hammer to pound
nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from
"Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the
barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite
mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free
coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before
you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating
them.
- You've built a miniature city out of little
plastic stirs.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee
table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt
you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your
house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink
your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say,
"Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend
the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in
Brazil.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your
coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's
running.
- You can outlast the Energizer
bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil
anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter
scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a
compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second
cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
Submitted by My
Little Brother Bill, Narberth,
Pa.
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What Men Expect in a
Wife
- She will always be
beautiful and cheerful.
- She could marry a movie
star, but wants only you.
- She will have hair that
never needs curlers or beauty shops.
- Her beauty won't run in a
rainstorm.
- She will never be
sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
- She will insist that
moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her
figure.
- She will be an expert in
cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house,
and keeping quiet.
- Her favorite hobbies will
be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
- She will hate charge
cards.
- Her favorite expression
will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?"
- She will think you have
Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
- She will wish you would
go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing
done.
- She will love you because
you're so sexy.
What Men Get in a
Wife
- She speaks 140 words a
minute, with gusts up to 180.
- She was once a model for
a totem pole.
- Where there's smoke,
there she is-- cooking.
- She's a light
eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
- She lets you know you
only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you
say.
- No matter what she does
with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool
factory.
- If you get lost, open
your wallet and she'll find you
Submitted by Wendy,
Tipztime.com
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Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day.
They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee.
The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water.
To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body
of water and extends his golf club. The water parts, he takes his
next shot and it lands on the green.
The second golfer hits his ball towards the
water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water.
The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball
onto the green.
The third golfer hits his the ball directly
into the water, where it quickly starts to sink. As the ball sinks,
a fish grabs the ball in its mouth. At that very moment, a hawk
plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft. As
the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which
then drops the fish into a nearby tree. When the fish hits a branch
of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the
tree,
across the green and right into the hole...
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "You know, I
hate golfing with your Father."
Submitted by Larry, Walkersville,
Md.
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After returning from his honeymoon in Florida
with his new bride . . .
. . . Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York
neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi, how was'a da
treep?"
Luigi replied, "Ever'thing was'a perfect
except for da train'a ride down."
"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a
Station. My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food
with vino and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'aforward to da
trip.
All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened
up'a da lunch'a basket. The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger
at us and'a say, "No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car."
So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to
dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino.
Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, "No drink'a in
dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car."
So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino,
I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his
finger again and say, "No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker
car". We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.
Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to
sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the
conductor, he come'a through the car yelling real'a loud,
"NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!"
Submitted by Jamie, Crofton,
Md.
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