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A little old lady is walking down
the street, dragging two plastic Garbage bags with her, one in each
hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, and every once in a while a £20 note flies out of it onto the
pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are £20
notes Falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better
go back and see if I Can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the copper. "How
did you get all that Money? "Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my
back yard backs up To the Car park of the Football Stadium. Each time
there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my
flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big
hedge clipper, and Each time someone sticks his little thingie through
the bushes, I Say: £20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the copper. "OK,
good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of
them pay."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Actual call center conversations
!!!!! Customer: "I've been ringing
0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you
help?". Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?". Customer:
"It was on the door to the Travel Centre". Operator: "Sir, they are our
opening hours".
Tech Support: "I need you to rightclick on the
Open Desktop". Customer: "OK". Tech Support: "Did you get a popup
menu?". Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK. RightClick again. Do you see
a popup menu?" Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me
what you have done up until this point?". Customer: "Sure. You told me
to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side
of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow.
How can you see my screen from there?"
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week
and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back
two weeks will I have my file back again?".
Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the
telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't
understand who you are talking about". Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of
the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine
from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you
give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think you mean the telephone
point on the wall".
RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your
European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while
travelling in France ): "If I register my car in France , do I have to
change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish
Bar in Cardiff please". Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the
spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish
Bar but the 'B' fell off".
Then there was the caller who asked for a
knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller:
"Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
On another occasion, a man making heavy
breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't
got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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A woman is enjoying a good game of
bridge
with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix
dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on
time."
When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to
the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce
leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of
cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just
as her husband is pulling up.
She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his
dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of
marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her
husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they
were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the
table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We
told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How
can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered
your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel
while he was licking his paws."Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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For people in a hurry, we have compiled
this short history of medicine ...
...
using as an example the treatment of that common ailment, the ear ache.
- 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
- 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this
prayer.
- 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition,
drink this potion.
- 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow
this pill.
- 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take
this antibiotic.
- 2006 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial.
Here, eat this root.
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On the banks of a river sat three
Indian women ... ..., sitting
on three different animal skins. On a deer skin was a woman with her
son, and the son weighed 140 pounds. On a buffalo skin was another
woman, and her son who weighed 160 pounds. And on a hippopotamus skin
sat an immense Indian woman, who weighed 300 pounds herself.
A native American mathematician saw this and noted that the squaw on the
hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
Submitted ay Al, Seattle, Wa.
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Red Neck Wind Charms
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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July 10th Humor Page
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