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Letter from Australia No. 1 You
probably didn't know that Australia is the driest inhabited continent on
earth. Antarctica is drier, but no one lives there yet. The way the ice
is melting, however, it won't be long.
We're so dry here that it's only our native
cunning and ingenuity that have kept us from joining the great central
desert as some of the sand. We all have rainwater tanks, and until
recently we collected enough for a glass a day, but now we have to
distil the beer if we want real water, not bad with a yeasty taste.
The government has tried several things to make
life easier for us, like reducing the tariff on the imported stuff, and
they're trying de-salination, but that's been promised industry so we
can keep employment up. This gives some of us enough to buy water
bottled overseas, while seeing most of us live near the sea we've taken
to drinking ordinary seawater, which is OK once your kidneys are used to
it; these are now the biggest of any race, and growing.
The cats have grown armour, like lizards, and
can go without for about a week. The dogs have tunnelled underground
into some springs, and seem intent on guarding their finds, while
freshwater fish are simply called 'dusties'. Salt tolerant crops are a
breakthrough that keeps us in fodder, while enormous solar-powered
stills in the sun-drenched outback provide enough water for the
recalcitrant sheep and cattle, which refuse to drink the salty stuff.
Cries of global warming bounce off the
well-watered politicians who have already got their second homes in rain
drenched parts of the earth. They don't know what it is to be thirsty,
that's for sure.
Still it's not all bad. We're trading uranium,
gas and coal for tankers of water from China, soft drinks from America,
and alcohol from everywhere. We'll get by, but it would help that when
you come to see for yourselves how dry is dry you bring your own and a
couple of gallons for me. Oh, by the way - don't expect to wash.
Sorry for the pause. I had to find some spit so
I could swallow.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.
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A young
man was having some money problems...
...
and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run
out of people to borrow from.
So, he calls his parents via the operator, and
reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred
dollars."
At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I
can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."
The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred
dollars!"
"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says
his father.
The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I
can hear him perfectly."
The father says, "Oh, good. YOU send him the
money!"
Submitted by Barb, Unionville,
Pa.
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One day I
met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
When it became apparent that we
would marry, I relaxed and enjoyed the ecstasy of the friendship.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke
down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I
called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to
walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked
beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I
would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped
at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of
baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to
see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner
tonight!"
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at
the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my
blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the
blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still
affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my
husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight
to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I
took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off
three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the
conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few
minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually
the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned
the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded
my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence
when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if
I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and
twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Cliff Ardmore, Pa.
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A group of alumni, highly
established in their careers...
...
got together to visit their old university professor. The conversation
soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his
guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a
large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic,
glass, crystal, some plain-looking, some expensive, and some exquisite -
telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
After all the students had a cup of coffee in
hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking
expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones.
While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is
the source of your problems and stress." "Be assured that the cup itself
adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases, it's just more expensive
and in some cases even hides what we drink.
What all of you really wanted was coffee, not
the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups & and then began
eyeing each other's cups."
"Now consider this: Life is the coffee. The
jobs, houses, cars, things, money and position in society are the cups.
They are just used to hold and contain life. The type of cup we have
does not define nor change the quality of life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we
fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us." God brews the coffee, not
the cups . . . enjoy your coffee. Being happy doesn't mean everything's
perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections. Live
in peace and peace will live in you.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 30
"Momentum continues for Barack
Obama's campaign. Actually, do you know what Barack Obama's middle name
is? Hussein. Could've been worse. Could've been Kerry." --Jay Leno
"Today at the White House, President Bush signed
a deal that would send nuclear fuel to India. When asked about the
Indian deal, President Bush said it's the least we can do after stealing
your land." --Conan O'Brien
"There might be a few similarities between Iraq
and Vietnam. For one thing, both wars prove that John Kerry is a coward.
But there is a difference. ... Vietnam's anti-war movement was so
unbearably strident that many Americans hated hippies even more than
they hated the war. The result? They became Republicans." --Stephen
Colbert
"This California company that was charged to
build this stupid fence along the border of Mexico has been charged with
hiring illegal immigrants. ... Prosecutors say this is the worst case of
irony they have ever seen." --Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton was asked about
President Bush and she said, 'I'm not going to believe this president
again.' Yeah, Hillary said, to be fair, I stopped believing presidents
ten years ago. Apparently she had a bad experience." --Conan O'Brien
"On Monday, President Bush sought advice on Iraq
from senior state department officials, historians and former generals.
When the President asked why everyone was so quiet, an aide informed him
that he was standing next to the White House nativity scene." --Amy
Poehler
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Submitted by Bill,
Ardmore, Pa.
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Jan 5th Humor Page
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