Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were wait ing for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

• Majesty, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with just contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Inconhonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honourable orders of republican America.
• Man, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole inhabitable earth and Canada.
• Me, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three.
• Meekness, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.
• Mercy, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders.
• Monkey, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in the genealogical tree.
• Moral, adj. Conforming to local and mutable standard of right. Having the quality of general expediency.
• Mouth, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart.

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man."

"He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

• "My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."
• "Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."
• "Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."
• "From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."
• "My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table , because we want to play bingo tonight."
• "Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday...or is it today ?"
• "When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk."
• "No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."

Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"