• Only thin women look good in tight jeans. [Mr Ed]
• Remote administration can work in your favor, depending on exactly how remote the administration is. [My Favorite Martian]
• Extreme shortsightedness is funny, but only to onlookers. [Mr Magoo]
• Substandard building construction is quaint, and leaking roofs are picturesque. [Green Acres]
• Type-A personalities have no idea what is really going on. [Dad's Army]
• You can get away with more outside your post, than at it. [Third Rock from the Sun]
• All organizations need a fall guy. [M*A*S*H*]
• Obese Germans always eat a lot. [Hogan's Heroes]
• Conforming to stereotype keeps you in work. [The Odd Couple]
• Things get really complex when relatives visit unannounced. [Bewitched]
• There CAN be smoke without a fire. [Gilligan's Island}
• Nice guys may not actually ‘win’, but they don’t mind losing. In fact, most of the time they don’t realize that they’ve lost. [The Beverly Hillbillies]

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK
 

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• To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.
• To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
• To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
• Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
• Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
• Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
• Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
• Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
• Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, re-freshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.
• Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain the liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
• To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
• To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
• Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
• Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
• Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me .......... I've only been drinking the stuff!

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• It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
• It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
• Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them.
• In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
• It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.
• Excelsior Springs: Balls may not be thrown within the city limits.
• Helena: No item may be thrown across a street.
• Helena: A woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.  Salisbury: Pop bottles are not to be thrown on the ground.
• Whitehall: It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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... to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.

Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another.

The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window.

"Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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On his deathbed, he looked up and said, "Is my wife here?"

His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.."

So Abe asks, "Are my children here?"

"Yes, daddy, we're all here," say the children.

Abe inquires, "Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

So Abe sits up and yells, "Then Why Is the Light on in the Kitchen?!?"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md
 

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Suddenly the shoreline north of Sydney were transformed into the Cappuccino Coast. Foam swallowed an entire beach and half the nearby buildings, including the local lifeguards' centre, in a freak display of nature at Yamba in New South Wales.

One minute a group of teenage surfers were waiting to catch a wave, the next they were swallowed up in a giant bubble bath. The foam was so light that they could puff it out of their hands and watch it float away.

Boy in the bubble bath: Tom Woods, 12, emerges from the clouds of foam after deciding that surfing was not an option

It stretched for 30 miles out into the Pacific in a phenomenon not seen at the beach for more than three decades. Scientists explain that the foam is created by impurities in the ocean, such as salts, chemicals, dead plants, decomposed fish and excretions from seaweed. All are churned up together by powerful currents which cause the water to form bubbles. These bubbles stick to each other as they are carried below the surface by the current towards the shore. As a wave starts to form on the surface, the motion of the water causes the bubbles to swirl upwards and, massed together, they become foam.

The foam 'surfs' towards shore until the wave 'crashes', tossing the foam into the air.

Whitewash: The foam was so thick it came all the way up to the surf club

'It's the same effect you get when you whip up a milk shake in a blender,' explains a marine expert. 'The more powerful the swirl, the more foam you create on the surface and the lighter it becomes.' In this case, storms off theNew South Wales C oast and further north off Queensland had created a huge disturbance in the ocean, hitting a stretch of water where there was a particularly high amount of the substances which form into bubbles. As for 12-year-old beachgoer Tom Woods, who has been surfing since he was two, riding a wave was out of the question. 'Me and my mates just spent the afternoon leaping about in that stuff,' he said.

'It was quite cool to touch and it was really weird. It was like clouds of air - you could hardly feel it.'

Children play among all the foam which was been whipped up by cyclonic conditions.

Submitted by former mayor Ed.
 

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Nov 26th Humor Page