"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in three days.

They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses, and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.

So, W. went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Putin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first was . . . there is a God. The second was that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First . . . God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Second . . . you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows Vista."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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• she thinks Trak Auto is where you get hair weaves for your car.
• she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot.
• she got shot running the border after seeing a Taco Bell commercial.
• she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your telephone bill.
• she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.
• she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese."
• she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.
• she got on her knees to drink her "Nehi" peach drink.
• she thought Thailand was a men's clothing store.
• she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.
• when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
• she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble.
• she ordered her sushi well done.
• she thought hamburger helper came with another person.
• she thought meow mix was a record for cats.
• she thought she needed a token to get on soul train.
• she invented a solar powered flashlight.
• she thought the board of education was a piece of wood.
• she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn't read.
• she got hit by a parked car.
• she sold the car for gas money.
• she ran out of gas leaving Texaco.
• she sold the house to pay the mortgage.
• she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.
• she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
• she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
• when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearview mirror, she turned around.
• she thought asphalt was a skin disease.she thought Delta a Airlines was a sorority.
• when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
• when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.
• she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.
• when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
• I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.
• when someone said "Take the trash out," she moved.
• she used a vibrator for an egg beater.
• she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor.
• she asked you "What is the number for 911".
• she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album.
• she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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"Tell me, Morris, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morris replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear, "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Morris.

The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. ...You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."

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A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,

'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
  

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When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four . "

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

The woman answered, " Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.
 

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July 25th Humor Page