On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."

He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."

• Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."  (The Daily Telegraph)
   
• Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
• Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
   
• A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".  (The Times)
   
• At the height of the gale, the coastguard radioed a harbourmaster and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
   
• Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

NOTE - This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME:_____________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _______________
2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______ IQ: ________GPA: ______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ___________ DRIVERS LICENSE #: _________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________ CITY: _________ ZIP ______
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______ If NO, explain: _______________________________________________
7. Number of years parents married: ___________
8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____ WATERBED? _____ MOTORCYCLE? _____ TATTOO? ____ COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ___ (IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "Late" mean to you?
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
12. What church do you attend? ________________ How often do you attend? ____/ week
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ____________
14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely - all answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone - I promise):
    1. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the ____________
    2. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________
    3. A women's place is in the __________________
    4. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ____________________
    5. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________ (NOTE: If the answer to "E" begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________
16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? _________ Which one? ____________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

_____________________ Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now)

• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
• After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
• By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
• Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
• The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, What does a woman want?
• I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
• There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. ? It's called marriage.
• I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
• Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
• The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
• You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

• Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
• If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
• Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person."
• When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't let him in! He's the killer!"
• When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
• When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time."
• Beep when a large person backs up.
• Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men."
• Insist on making inanimate objects "dance"
• Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
• Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
• When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
• Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
• While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
• Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.

I bought me a case of beer and drank it obama self!