• Ground floor opportunity - Lousy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
• Progressive company -  Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday
• Team player - Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities
• Upbeat personalities - Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
• Word processing skills essential - There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
• Public Relations Receptionist, Professional appearance important - $20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe
• Salary range $24K to $32K - The salary is $24K
• Will train - Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem
• BA required, MA preferred - Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary
• Civil service - This job was filled from the inside six months ago

• Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them ...but your grandchildren are perfect!
• Going out is good. Coming home is better!
• When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"
• When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything ... movies, hotels, flights.
• You forget names ... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
• The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
• You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ... especially golf.
• Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
• The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.
• Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".
• Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
• You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married ... Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
• You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
• When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ... were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
• You use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?" ???
• Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
• Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M ...next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
• You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
• Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
• What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
• Everybody whispers.
• Now that your husband has retired ... you'd give anything if he'd find a job!
• You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .... 2 of which you will never wear.

• At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
• In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
• On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"
• On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
• In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
• In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
• In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
• In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
• In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
• On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
• On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices, and workmanship."
• At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
• On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
• In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
• In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
• In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
• In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
• On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
• Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
• In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
• In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
• In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
• On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
• On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
• On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
• Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
• And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign."

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

"The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big boobs."